Prologue: For My Lady's Honor

Anna Nicole Smith
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red.
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go:
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground;
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.


— William Shakespeare


NOTE: The first five parts of this essay were originally written and published in 2002. For my thoughts upon the tragic passing of Anna Nicole Smith in 2007, please see the afterword.

She's fat, she's dumb, she's crude, she's untalented, she's a whore, she's a joke.

How would you like it if the whole world was constantly heaping those kinds of brutal insults upon the woman you love? I can tell you it ain't no fun at all, because I love Anna Nicole Smith.

We've had a relationship going off and on for over ten years now, even though I've met her only in my dreams. I think she's extraordinarily beautiful, but my feelings for her are much deeper than mere sexual lust. To me, Anna Nicole is the most fascinating and compelling celebrity figure to emerge from my generation. She's not just a model or a movie star -- she is a goddess. But I'm generally left feeling like I'm the only person on the planet who can see that.

My love for Anna Nicole has always been too complex and difficult for me to fully explain to anyone, but now I have finally found the words to communicate my insanity, and written it all down. I hereby present this romantic encomium, a formal expression of high praise, that declares the full measure of my respect and adulation for my lady fair. I also consider this work my doctoral thesis in annanicology, the result of a decade spent studying the discipline.

I originally conceived this piece in 1999, when it would have had an unhappy ending, as you will see. I'm glad I waited. Not just because we get to live happily ever after, but because I would never have been capable of writing this thesis properly until now. And without further ado, in the words of the Goddess Supreme herself:

"My life is a roller coaster, so hold on and enjoy the ride!"

Part 1: When Donald Met Vickie...
A simple Texas girl's unlikely ascent to fame and celebrity.

My Love Affair with Anna Nicole Smith

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